Posted by: sulya | 21 March 2011

I Am Watching Back-to-Back Episodes of the Show Alias…

… to the exclusion of many other far more important things.  Like eating.  Like playing with my son or being much of a girlfriend or doing my homework (which is plentiful and piling up).  I am fantasizing about incinerating most of my belongings, vaporizing them and all their history, smashing through walls in my home with a sledge hammer and rebuilding it in a new shape with nothing leftover from before but ashes and the people I love who live here despite the fact that I am currently ignoring them to watch endless episodes of Alias…

I am angry and sad and hopeful and happy all at once and all the time.

I am strolling down memory lane, finding things which both mortify and amuse.

I am over-my-head and struggling for breath.  Breathing slowly and deliberately all the way out so that my body will naturally take a full, satisfying breath on its own.  A breath which makes me feel as though I have actually gotten oxygen.

I want to be a writer again, spend full days at my desk lost in my own mind and the characters I know I can create there.

I want to kick ass like Sydney Bristow.  I want to use terrible fake Russian/Swedish/French/Hungarian accents and go on missions with quirky fantasy gadgets to open safes or jump off the roofs of buildings.  I want tranq guns and righteous fury…

Scratch that.

I have enough righteous fury.

I want my stomach to feel full and when full to not feel nauseated.

I want my couch to be vacuumed and pristine, the endless crap and dust beneath it cleaned.  But not more than I would like to throw it off my balcony… Watch it fall… Watch it break…

I am restless and shifty and ready to scream.

It must, in short, be Spring.

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Responses

  1. I want new clothes, but I don’t want to wear them. And I don’t want to shop for them. I want a clean house and shiny windows to let the light in, but I don’t want to clean them. Especially when the more light comes in the dirtier the house looks. I want to believe it when I tell myself to breathe deeply because it is good for me. I want to eat with abandon and never cook. I guess that leaves me with chocolate and cheese. “But I feel so gay in a melancholy way that it might as well be Spring. It might as well, be Spring.” Love you


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