Posted by: sulya | 12 December 2010


He starts weeping on the stairs up to our apartment.

He didn’t get enough time with his Papa.  It was too short.

(It was the same as it always was but his sense of time is shifting, growing, his sense of loss along with it…)

I sit with him on the stairs and hold him while he cries for a while… Such abandon for someone so small… I try not to cry myself.  Tell him I will call his father and see if they can have more time together if he wants.  Tell him his father and I both love him very much and we don’t want him to be sad and we always do our best to give him more time if we can.

We make it to the apartment.

He seems droopy beyond sadness… I feel his neck, it’s hot.

He tells me he feels cold.

He tells me his muscles ache.

He wants to watch Inspector Gadget on TV under a quilt.

I put the pieces together to see the fever, the fever that freed his sadness from behind his walls…

Later, he needs more medicine and I ache with and for him and tell him he probably won’t get to go to school tomorrow and this sets off another round of sadness…

“But I want to learn,” he says.

How is it possible to love someone this much?

How is it possible to hold on to the lessons of this fever?





  1. Beautiful — good for you for keeping your eyes & heart open to really hear him.

  2. Thank you Tara, and welcome to these watery parts (smile).

  3. As always Sulya, I am inspired and awed by your compassion and empathy for your little guy. Glad to see you are posting again. It reminds me that I need to get my ass to the page!

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