Posted by: sulya | 14 December 2009

Confession

I have truly loved five men in my life so far.

I have only ever met three of them.

(And will go to war with anyone who tries to tell me you cannot love someone you’ve never met.)

I have only ever kissed two of them.

I have been hurt by four of them.

I have been nearly destroyed by only one of them.

I still feel love for two of them.

I learned that you can, in fact, fall completely out of love because of one of them.

I believe that four of them love(d) me.

I believe that three of them are capable of a love that fills them to overflowing but that only two of them truly know it.

I know that only one of them seems to know how to be loved and that he’s the one who never really loved me.

I know that just once in this life I want to be loved enough to be worth fighting for. Genuinely worth fighting for. Fighting every demon inside, every demon outside.

Fighting space.
Fighting time.

I want someone willing to fight me for me.

I don’t want to be brushed aside.

I don’t want a man who hides from me. Runs from me.

Who stands back, holds back, and does every damn thing, consciously or unconsciously, to guarantee that I will walk away so that he can say to himself – all by himself – over and over, “See, I knew it would work out this way.”

I am sick into my soul of winding up inside other people’s self-fulfilling prophecies.

I am worried that it is, in fact, my self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have lots to give and I want to give it without fear.

I want to give without fear to someone who is not afraid of me or of failure and I think about this a lot because it’s what I always wanted and what I’ve never had.

Because overcoming failure is the best part of anything and failure is inevitable.

And I finally know I want love for me and not because a movie told me I should. Not because some Liberal Feminist text books told me I shouldn’t.

I finally know what I want and have been given tastes and glimpses of how it might feel to get it.

And, I finally have the courage to write about this this way and in complete earnest, no matter who might read it because today I heard myself say, “You need to accept that you are alone.”

And I meant it.
And I heard myself.

And that’s just the way it is.

**

***

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Responses

  1. Beautiful post about the heartache of romantic love.

    You are alone for now. Not forever.

  2. Thank you, Kitty.

    I think I know that too. Every once in a while one has to just embrace the now, though, don’t you think?

  3. Absolutely, I do think accepting the way things are for now is a good thing.


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