Posted by: sulya | 25 September 2009

I Had a Glass of Wine at 2:30 This Afternoon

glassofwineThere were good and bad reasons for this. Ultimately, I don’t feel at all strange about it given I haven’t had a glass of wine in nearly a month because I’ve been sick and voiceless and, let’s face it, people have a glass of wine with lunch all the time. Anyway. My self-conscious and defensive rambling aside….

The bad reason for being inspired to drink in the afternoon by myself is that I was thinking about some choices I’ve been making recently and had one of those crash and burn whoa-wow-holy-shit-are-you-kidding-me realizations that not only do I have a habit of settling for less than I deserve, I have a habit of FIGHTING for less than I deserve. And hard. I mean I really dig in.  I scrap with my whole heart and soul and all the power of my understanding, my creativity and every shred of my wit and candour –  I seduce things that harm me.

And when I tried to share this epiphany with a friend I wound up laughing hysterically.   Fighting for the right to be treated neglectfully, wrongly, badly and sometimes even horribly.  I mean what the hell?  It’s absurd.

The good reason for my glass of wine is that in the last week alone I have been told by four separate people that I am wonderful, passionate, insightful, that I deserve happiness, that I deserve joy and for the first time in my goddamned life I think I might actually believe these things are true.

And when I raised my glass to my ceiling and toasted to this, I cried a little.

So my reactions seem backwards to me.  But, good and bad, the revelations are sound and true, my kid’s with his dad, I was finished work for the day and watching my kitties hang together in a window and it all seemed a moment worth marking so I had a glass of wine at 2:30 this afternoon.

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