Posted by: sulya | 15 September 2009

100 Students in Three Days

100studentsI start teaching again this Thursday.  13 classes in three days with a total of 100 students where “student” in many cases refers to a toddler or baby and his/her accompanying adult(s).  The classrooms are full and busy and there’s a lot of energy to manage.

Most of the time, I enjoy teaching a lot but I ran a low grade fever from last Thursday through until Saturday morning and now I am struggling to keep my voice with endless pots of herbal/medicinal teas with honey to help the throat and by trying not to stress out more than I usually stress out about, you know, just being conscious.

Last night was the first night I went to bed late in weeks.  I’ve been in bed by 10pm some nights, 9:30pm others.  I’ve been trying to write in my journal more regularly in order to pump out the soupy bullshit that lines the cage these days.  I’ve been reading a little to try to fill – or at least not further dry out – the gaping, empty hole that used to be the rather full well where I kept the fodder for my creativity.

I still get periodic calls from family or friends who want to ask me about how a movie was because they have not fully accepted that I have barely seen any movies in two years.  I don’t know anything about what’s coming out, been out, or was just released on DVD.

I’ve been sad.  Very sad and very lost some days over the past month or so.  There have been lots of tears. My problem, like so many politicians and economic advisors, is that I do not know how to manage the deficit.  There has been so much going out and so little coming in for so long now that some days I’m a very life-like cardboard cutout of a person who’s just now figuring out that my penchant for “giving” (of myself, of my time, of my love & affection) – while it is restorative to me because it does inspire my essential nature – is also too-often draining.

One can only give without doing oneself harm if one has things to give.

One acquires things to give through the choice to save and preserve and nurture oneself.

One acquires things to give by being given things by others.

I actually learned these lessons – the first time – when I was 12 years-old but I’ve had to keep on learning them again and again and again.  I choose my friendships far more carefully than I ever have.  I recognize my needs and limits – with my girlfriends in particular – far better than I have and I have (I will say again and again) very good friends indeed.

I still need more than I have and get, though, if I’m not going to have a collapse even worse than the one that lead me into this new life in the first place and I know that only so much of it is up to me.  Only so much of it is about my choices and my ability to set limits and boundaries – to make demands of myself and of others.

The rest is up to other people.  To choose to invest in me.  Or not.

The Imperial (Imperious? Ridiculous? Delicious? Vicious?) Bank of Me….

But I have no control over other people.

So, I am running a serious deficit and I will both gain and lose things when I start teaching again this week.  The most I can do, at this point, is work to hold on to my voice and try not to make things worse.

I will keep my voice and give and take what I can from 100 students in three days.

I will hope, at least, to break even and then take it from there.

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