Posted by: sulya | 30 May 2009

Two Years

So, two years and approximately one month ago I started this blog.

Back then, I looked like this:

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And, now  I look like this:

twoyears

(For the record, there was a different picture used here in the original post but a couple of friends thought it sucked, didn’t really look like me and I don’t honestly know if they were right but it was sufficiently annoying to me that I decided to make the comparison more fair – I’m wearing the same shirt I was two years ago and I am not wearing any make-up also like two years ago…  I’m sure I’ll still hear about it but fuck it.)

And, no, I haven’t dyed my hair.  Less light in room equals darker-looking hair.  And I could make comparisons of various things having to do with other aspects of my more surfacy appearance and I should probably mention the apples to oranges fact that my ex took the first photo and today’s photo is a self-portrait…

And I realize I should be writing some kind of proper birthday like celebration of the blog and of writing itself and not being the raging narcissist I appear to be posting pictures of my damn self all the time but I found that older photo the other day and just couldn’t stop looking at my eyes…  

And then I looked at my eyes in recent pictures…

And then I took the shot today.

I don’t look sad anymore.  Even when I am sad I never look as sad and irritated as I do in that two year-old picture and this blog is about me and it’s been two years since I started it and I’m not sure who I am becoming or who I will be next on this journey – I only have the vaguest inkling what I am going to cobble together for myself in the next few crucial years where life is concerned but I look into my own eyes and I know that I am not afraid anymore.  

Not really.  Not deep inside where it most counts.

I will still worry.  I will still panic and forget what I know.

But I am not afraid anymore.  Not of anything over which I actually have any control…

I will still get tired and whiney and wish I didn’t have to do all of this day-to-day stuff alone every once in a while but I am supported where it counts most and I have never been one to spurn solitude.

I have a child.  I am still afraid to leave him alone in a room lest he climb up on something, fall, and do himself unspeakable harm…

Fear of the accidental and horrendous will always dog me.

But I do leave him alone in a room when I must and the other stuff…

The stuff that’s about me and my choices, my action, my desire – my free will.

That amazing, not-to-be-squandered stuff that makes us who we are – I own that now.

And if I ever get shaken and again start to doubt.  I will come back to this post and I will look at those two totally different women… I will look into my own eyes and I will remember and that is why I started to write this blog in the first place… It’s part of why I write anything at all ever, I think.

To mark and remember and remind and understand.

And it’s been two years and one month since I started doing it here, doing it this way.

So, I say, “Happy Birthday Blog.”

Hugs & Kisses & Three Birthday Wishes from:

Your Octopus in Residence

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Responses

  1. Happy Birthday blog!

    Wow, it’s been 2 years? Is the first photo the first 5150 photo? It looks familiar.

  2. The blog says “thank you”.

    Yeah – the first photo would have been the first one I posted with a bio in 5150.

  3. You have the Valliant family hazel eyes. Suspicious. You do look much happier in the second one, and more importantly, less subdued. A little sadness is o.k. as long as we are entirely ourselves.

  4. Thank you for this idea of subdued/fully oneself… I appreciate the nuance of the contrast as opposed to just ‘sadness’. Valuable and thought-provoking.

    As to my having your family’s eyes… Perhaps it is YOU who has MY family’s eyes… Ever thinka’ that?


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