Posted by: sulya | 25 May 2009

I Need…


Several months worth of days where I get more than 5 hrs sleep in 24.  Seriously, a while back I was loosely planning a pretty serious road trip with a friend and my other friend’s like, “Sulya, that’s over 8hrs driving a day if you did it in three days, 12 if you did it in two.”  And I’m sitting there thinking, “Whatever.  If we did it in three I’d still have 11hrs each day to do other things and if we did it in two I’d still have 7hrs – that’s practically a work day.”  This is kind of fucked up looking back on it now but, frankly, the other way to look at it is that life is crazy short and I’m living as much of it as I can… Sort of…  Little hard when you keep getting sick from lack of sleep and exposure to too many small children against whom there just isn’t enough hand wash on the damn planet to provide protection…  But, I think it really may be time to sacrifice hours of life in favour of hours of unconsciousness… 


To just get over a whole whack of shit that’s been doggin’ me.  I keep thinking I’ve let go of a lot of anger and I have and then some new trigger crops up and BAMMO!  Back to seething inside or crying a lot…  Disappointments, past hurts, regrets, fear.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear.  Fear…..  It’s exhausting and probably the only thing that ever truly bores me is my own bullshit.  Other people’s bullshit is at least sometimes something I can help with when it belongs to someone I care about and when it belongs to someone I don’t give a damn about it’s at least good for a laugh.  Mine is just tedious and as I don’t seem to be able to do as much about it as I’d like it’s like that annoying person at the end of the party who just doesn’t get the giant yawn with arms stretched overhead.  I want to let go of all that negative stuff…  Perhaps I would get more sleep?


To be touched more.  I know that might sound like some kind of open season sexual invitation but I don’t mean it that way.  I was touched and hugged and cuddled a lot growing up.  It was another way of communicating and being together and it took me quite a while to figure out that not everyone was raised this way.  I made a lot of people uncomfortable for a lot of years while I figured it out, but I also taught a few people how to hug.  Then I somehow chose a life where I was almost never touched ever.  No hugs.  No kisses.  No cozies on couches.  And now, there is my son and we do all those things but it’s not – and never should be – the same thing as having other grown-ups remind you that you are not just a brain in a jar overthinking everything all of the time… That you exist… That you can be felt… That you can feel…  And because I am not nearly as defensive anymore, because I am feeling more than I’ve felt in years I am really missing being touched.  It’s a part of me I need back and, regrettably, one I cannot – like so many other things – handle all by myself.


To be more consistent and balanced in how I use my time and energy.  I want a lot of things.  I have some fairly serious time constraints on some of them; very real pressures.  I am largely lost every day in thinking about it all, afraid of fucking it all up and failing pretty much all of the time.  I finally know to a place deep inside me that I am really good at a handful of things and I have yet to be able to build a life around them in a way that sustains partly because fear holds me back…  Partly because other people’s fear holds me back…  Partly because even with 19hrs a day of consciousness there’s only so much I seem to be able to get done and only so much I can do by myself and even though I’m getting better at asking for help and guidance I don’t even always know who to ask?  I don’t know how to follow the advice once I get it.  I keep thinking it’s time to make a schedule and stick to it faithfully.  Do ___ in the morning from x to y.  Do ____ next from z to a etc. etc. etc.  A real schedule.  Not allow myself to write yet another email or blog post I am never going to send or post because my mind is worrying some particular thought or situation like fingers might rub the smooth of a stone in a pocket….  I keep telling myself the most important thing to do is “try” and that I do not want to live the rest of my life in as cowardly and isolated a way as I did the first part of it but I am tired and stuck and keep forgetting I exist and clearly VERY whiney right now so it’s hard…


The World’s Largest Piece of Perfect Chocolate Cake.  I’ll even tell you where to get it and offer you a fork if you bring me a piece….  Right now…  Seriously, the kid’s sleeping and I can’t leave the house… Any takers?  Anyone?


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